How to find the right relationship

With the millions of human beings in the world, it is amazing that so many of us have difficulty finding "the one" or when we are in a relationship, keeping the magic going.

This is the first in a series of blogs that will try to answer that and many of the related questions people have about that big part of human life: the romantic relationship.

So back to basics. What is a relationship anyway? The "Torquil" definition is pretty straightforward. A relationship is an ongoing transaction between two individuals.
A transaction because relationships are a two-way process. "It takes two to Tango" as the saying goes.

As a result, all relationships commonly feature three things:

1. An unwritten contract at the beginning - whether short or long-term
2. A form of "chemistry" or rapport
3. A projection of feeling

There are other features, but these seem to be the most important, whether the relationship is romantic or otherwise. If it is a colleague relationship at work, these features exist in an appropriately moderated way. If a relationship with the best partner you have ever met, then these features also exist, perhaps more intensely.

The Unwritten Contract
Whenever you first meet a person with the intent to create something, you both bring something to the table. In the beginning, as you get to know them, you discover their and your boundaries and strengths. The contract begins to form as a way to manage how the power in the relationship will be shared. It may only be a very short-term contract, such as the desire for a one-night stand. The contract may be balanced or apparently weighted heavily to one side.
The contract can be terminated fast or may be modified or may last for a long time.
If a person is not aware of the contract they make with another, then they sometimes find themselves in the age old situation of "not knowing what they let themselves in for".

Chemistry
Chemistry is often talked about in relationships. That feeling of rapport or connection is very important, particularly if something is going to be sustained. what is often overlooked is that this chemistry may or may not exist on several different levels. The levels of connection will be dealt with specifically in a future blog article.

Projection of feeling
Meeting another person for the first time, we often do not have much idea about them, so our minds begin to create an internal model, based on our past experiences and our current emotions, to give us something to start with. Psychology paragon Carl Jung famously called this a projection. This is where men apparently prefer blondes and women apparently prefer tall, dark strangers. It is here we get our assumptions about beauty but, more dangerously, also our assumptions about the other person before we really know them.
Our feelings often cloud our vision until the chemical overload fades and we see the person for whom they really are. Then the test comes where we have to decide if we still have enough connection to stay with them.


The "Right" Relationship.

A person very dear to the author's heart (which says a lot in itself) once said that a partner has to be at the same time a good lover, friend, sibling, parent, protector and inspiration. Connection on all these levels means that things are likely to be established on firmer foundations than, for example, a relationship founded on the superficial physical appearance or shared sexual experience.
A person often 'knows; when they are in the right relationship because there is a feeling that the connection can be deeper. What makes it like that is the presence of the ability to relate on different ways. Depth is the answer.
Another friend once said that the right person is "the one who can just as much enjoy going for a walk in the park with you as spend time and money in a fancy restaurant".
The issue with these things is time. To find the right person, it is important to be patient, get to know them and see if you can really enjoy time with them aside from having sex or drinking alcohol and hedonsim.


If the connection persists beyond these things, then it's likely to last.