Do men and women look for different things in a relationship?

That famous book about men being from Mars and women from Venus and the other one about which gender is better at reading maps have always been fascinating, but is it true?

If it is so, then most of us are probably not very good at marketing ourselves to the person we want to attract - marketing being about knowing your audience. Men assume women will be attracted to the things that men like and women assume that men will be attracted to what women tend to prefer. If its different then we are not going to do very well.. or are we? Perhaps things are actually not as simple as they look.


Perspective 1: There is a difference

So lets assume that there is a difference between the sexes.

In the books and in the range of Torquil life experience, in the male psyche there is a predominant preference for visual stimuli and a need to connect by doing activity together.
For women the general emphasis seems to be on sharing experiences by talking and a more feeling based stimulus. Their fantasy lives are often parallel, which may be why men often like pornography and women like fantasies that emphasise a connection. This is not to say that there are absolutes in this situation, for example many women like the physical appearance of men and many men like how women make them feel. This article will only cover some of the predominant factors - which tend to suggest men are visual and women are visceral.

In successful meetings of men and women, these two approaches overlap well, with men visually appreciating the hot babe in front of them and the women feeling happy in the arms of the strong man they have met. Men enjoy that they do something on a date together and women like that the two can talk as part of getting to know each other and both enjoy revving up the sexual feelings that they both have via talking and body language.

Short-term these apparent differences work. The hidden part is the biology. According to scientists, men are biologically programmed to conquer the female and have sex with her. They find ways to make the woman feel safe with them enough to achieve their goal.
Women are apparently programmed to find a safe man who will protect them and their children. They find ways to assess the men they encounter to see which will be the safest.
This is simply the programming, regardless of whether either of these things happen. We are still technically bound by our cave-person biology, in spite of being modern, so we usually cannot help but respond to our inner drives.




Perspective 2: There is no difference

Underneath and long-term, humans are programmed to raise a child over a long period of time, so they also have an inner need for stability and trust in a relationship. Both women and men have this inner need. Both also have a need for companionship and respect in order to create an effective family unit in order to ensure the species survives.
Humans have developed very elaborate ways to ensure compliance between the genders and to create stability. Examples include religious marriage and the associated rules, legal marriage and other systematised approaches to relationships.

In successful relationships it would appear that communication is key, plus self-awareness. When there is continual, respectful dialogue between the partners, then the contract can be widened to include emotional investment in the development of a family or another type of longer-term, joint creative project.


So what do we look for?

It seems that what people look for in a relationship very much depends on the stage they are at. The initial relationship stage of attraction needs a particular approach, like marketing, and this seems different for men and women. Once established, a relationship requires different skills to maintain it.
Ultimately we may be controlled by our biological instincts - one on-line relationship "guru" says attraction is not a choice, once the right buttons are pushed - and these may relate to survival biology.

What do we do for the best results?

There are 3 key points:

1. Know what material we are looking for - short-term or long-term
2. Know the audience - marketing is key
3. Test for sustainability

What do we want?
If we are looking for a one night stand or an instant date, then we need to think of the main approach. If we want more, then we need to include the longer-term strategy in our thinking. There is the risk, of course, that the person we meet might fall for us anyway or we might fall for them. Tough thing, this biology!
To confuse things even further, its worth noting that men who are attracted to women want to find a feminine woman - this pushes the biological buttons. They don't want a man in drag. Some women act like men in order to get close to them, but all they will ever find is a friend rather than a lover. The opposite is also true. Women want men to act like a biologically eligible male. No that does not mean caveman - do not stop washing and grunt more - but it does mean act decisively, appear psychologically strong, make them laugh guys and challenge their opinions - in a polite way, of course. If a guy acts too much like they really want a mother - then either that is what they will get or their intended will run a mile.
It is really worth putting in some thought ladies and gents!

Know the audience
A key concept from the world of marketing is to know the customer. For initial success in attraction, we have to change our approach to be what the customer wants. Here its really worth doing the research. Men will benefit from asking women what they find attractive in a guy. Women will benefit from carrying out the same research from men. Then change accordingly.
 Men, if you know women like to feel things, then take them on a date where they will really feel something - maybe a beautiful restaurant which will touch their heart. Act psychologically like a man.
Ladies, if you know men are visual, then dress sexily and move like a woman. Wear nice perfume and be graceful
Strategies like that will produce results.

Test for sustainability
The final stage is to see if the person you have finally attracted can last the miles. This means two key things: first, do you have a real connection with them and secondly, can you relax with them and do things that you both enjoy.
A third, useful (although not essential) test is to see if the other person can be with you without needing external means, like money and status, to enjoy your time together?

If you rush at light speed to marry the person you have just met, then there is likely to be disaster. Most relationships that fail do not have an underlying sustainable friendship or connection.
The failures also feature marriages based on the euphoria of attraction, partnerships based on sex only, and relationships that are forced by parents or external sources.

The message really is to find the right connection. do some background research so you know what you want and actually how to attract it - with the right personal marketing. Longer term success means a connection is really necessary and ideally a good friendship with the one you love.



Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It

**John Gray: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Hardcover) **PLUS 4 FREE GIFTS: Practical Miracles For Mars & Venus / Mars And Venus Together Forever / Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus - Book On One Cassette / Mars And Venus On A Date

How to find the right relationship

With the millions of human beings in the world, it is amazing that so many of us have difficulty finding "the one" or when we are in a relationship, keeping the magic going.

This is the first in a series of blogs that will try to answer that and many of the related questions people have about that big part of human life: the romantic relationship.

So back to basics. What is a relationship anyway? The "Torquil" definition is pretty straightforward. A relationship is an ongoing transaction between two individuals.
A transaction because relationships are a two-way process. "It takes two to Tango" as the saying goes.

As a result, all relationships commonly feature three things:

1. An unwritten contract at the beginning - whether short or long-term
2. A form of "chemistry" or rapport
3. A projection of feeling

There are other features, but these seem to be the most important, whether the relationship is romantic or otherwise. If it is a colleague relationship at work, these features exist in an appropriately moderated way. If a relationship with the best partner you have ever met, then these features also exist, perhaps more intensely.

The Unwritten Contract
Whenever you first meet a person with the intent to create something, you both bring something to the table. In the beginning, as you get to know them, you discover their and your boundaries and strengths. The contract begins to form as a way to manage how the power in the relationship will be shared. It may only be a very short-term contract, such as the desire for a one-night stand. The contract may be balanced or apparently weighted heavily to one side.
The contract can be terminated fast or may be modified or may last for a long time.
If a person is not aware of the contract they make with another, then they sometimes find themselves in the age old situation of "not knowing what they let themselves in for".

Chemistry
Chemistry is often talked about in relationships. That feeling of rapport or connection is very important, particularly if something is going to be sustained. what is often overlooked is that this chemistry may or may not exist on several different levels. The levels of connection will be dealt with specifically in a future blog article.

Projection of feeling
Meeting another person for the first time, we often do not have much idea about them, so our minds begin to create an internal model, based on our past experiences and our current emotions, to give us something to start with. Psychology paragon Carl Jung famously called this a projection. This is where men apparently prefer blondes and women apparently prefer tall, dark strangers. It is here we get our assumptions about beauty but, more dangerously, also our assumptions about the other person before we really know them.
Our feelings often cloud our vision until the chemical overload fades and we see the person for whom they really are. Then the test comes where we have to decide if we still have enough connection to stay with them.


The "Right" Relationship.

A person very dear to the author's heart (which says a lot in itself) once said that a partner has to be at the same time a good lover, friend, sibling, parent, protector and inspiration. Connection on all these levels means that things are likely to be established on firmer foundations than, for example, a relationship founded on the superficial physical appearance or shared sexual experience.
A person often 'knows; when they are in the right relationship because there is a feeling that the connection can be deeper. What makes it like that is the presence of the ability to relate on different ways. Depth is the answer.
Another friend once said that the right person is "the one who can just as much enjoy going for a walk in the park with you as spend time and money in a fancy restaurant".
The issue with these things is time. To find the right person, it is important to be patient, get to know them and see if you can really enjoy time with them aside from having sex or drinking alcohol and hedonsim.


If the connection persists beyond these things, then it's likely to last.